Thursday, February 28, 2008

Night Owl

In continuation of the Intraweb phenomenon, I present my version of Brandon Scott Gorell's "Night Owl." Read more about it here.
I was bored and the movie was over and I was alone. Everyone clapped. They liked it, I guess. I didn't really like it. It was absurd.

I went outside and smoked a cigarette. It was night and I started my walk home. As I was walking I finished my cigarette and started smoking another cigarette. As I began smoking my second cigarette, I saw an owl. It was sitting in a tree and the moon was behind it. I stopped walking and looked at the owl and the owl looked me. I smoked my cigarette and kept looking at the owl.

Then the owl pooped. It was night but I could see its poop because the poop was pale and shimmered in the moonlight like silver poop, like silver night owl poop. I watched it fall.

When I woke up I was sitting on my bed looking at the computer screen. I was reading a story on the Internet. The story was called "Night Owl." It was funny and other people on the Internet also thought like I thought. We thought alike. We thought it was funny. I really wanted to be able to write something like that. I wished I had written that story.

My roommate came in and said something. I told him about the story on the Internet. He didn't seem to care. He is pragmatic. No nonsense kind of guy.

"Come read this", I said, "You will laugh." He wanted to know when I would pay him back.

"How much do I owe you?" I asked.

"It's $7 tonight" he said.

I paid him $7.

"Now come read this," I said. He came and read it.

"This is absurd. Bye" he said.

Then he walked out of the room and I put on pants and went downstairs. I found some drugs that my roommate had hidden. "It will be okay to steal these drugs," I thought. So I stole them and I did them. I had never done drugs before and I didn't know how to do them. So I did a lot of them and by myself and I cried and thought about my mother and father and how much I loved them and never wanted to hurt them and how well they had taken care of me when I was little. I thought about my older brother and how beautiful his face was and how so many girls wanted to fuck him. I thought about my little sister and how pure and innocent she was and how much I wanted to take care of her and not let anyone make fun of her or ever break her heart.

I was sitting there thinking these things and feeling them when I saw something outside. I went to look at it. When I found it, it became a snake.

Then the snake started slithering away so I followed it. I followed it into a garden.The snake climbed up into an apple tree and it's all like "Why don't you eat some of this fruit?"
And I go "That's absurd."
And the snake goes "I know, right?"

And then the snake takes me to the top of a temple and we're hanging out up there and the snake is all like "Why don't you jump off?"
And I go "That's absurd"
And the snake goes "I know, right?"

And then the snake takes me to the ocean and the sky was black and this horrendous beast came out the water with 10 horns and with one horn screaming obscenities to the Most High and the snake is all like "Why don't you bow before this beast?"
And I go "That's absurd"
And the snake goes "I know, right?"

And so then me and the snake are walking down my old neighborhood and the snake asks me for a cigarette because it was tired of taking me places and not having any cigarettes to smoke. I tell the snake I don't smoke and he calls me gay. It hurts my feelings because it makes me think that I really am gay. I remember thinking that if I really was gay, I wish he would have let me known sooner. I wish he would've thought to 'let me down easy.'

The snake spots a group of out-of-work Mexicans hanging out on a corner, waiting for work. They are sitting and watching a television on the street. They are watching TV while they wait for work.

"They might have a cigarette," the snake says and slithers away.

I don't follow it this time because I'm still mad at him for calling me gay. I cross my arms and stomp one of my feet.

Finally I go up to the snake and am all like, "What are you doing?" And the snake is all like, "Oh just shooting the breeze with these Lorenzos." And I'm like, "Can we go now?" And the snake is like, "Haven't finished my cigarette, Peggy." And I'm like, "My name is not Peggy and I want to leave right now." The snake looks at me and smiles and is all like: "For you, anything." He puts the cigarette out and we leave. "Adios!" the snake shouts over his shoulder to the Lorenzos. They don't say anything. They are watching Fawlty Towers. It is a British comedy.

And then the snake takes me to a hallway. I see a pink door. We pass it. We go further down the hallway. The green door is locked. We turn around. We go through the pink door. It leads to a bright pink bedroom. It is a girl's room and there are magazine pages on the walls. She is in the room, laying on her bed, naked. She is touching herself down there and looking at me and I am looking at her. I can see part of her tongue behind her teeth. I can also hear her breathing. I think I hear her call me 'big boy.' She is probably 19. She doesn't stop touching herself.

The snake slithers over her body and is all like "Why don't you have premarital sexual relations with this girl?"

I go, "Okay I will have premarital sexual relations with this girl but only because I'm not gay."

And the snakes says "Whatevs" and leaves me in the room with the girl. I take off all my clothes and stand next to the bed looking at her, naked.

"Can I have sex with you?" I say.

"Do you want this," the girl says. She points at her tits.

"Yes," I say.

"Do you want this," the girl say. She points at her pussy.

"Yes," I say.

"Do you want this," the girl says. She points at her asshole.

"Yes," I say.

I have sex with this girl in all those places and then she gives me a high-five. "Good job! You aren't gay!" and I am really glad because I don't want to be gay and I knew now that I wasn't. The snake walks into the room and I start getting dressed. I look for my jacket. I can't find it. I go to the girl and ask her where the jacket was. She says she didn't know. I look under the bed and inside the closet. I mov things on the couch. I can't find my jacket. I look through a pile of clothes in the closet and put on a jacket that looks like mine. I look in the mirror in the closet and I see that I look really gay because I'm wearing a girl's jacket.

"Fuck..." I say

Then the door slams shut and the lights go off and it is pitch black and I can't see shit. I go, "Hey man! I can't shit!" I'm like so scared so I sit down in the dark for a few moments. And I start to cry and think about how everything is a disaster and how there is no free will and how I am only a product of my environment and how life comes from nothingness and goes back to nothingness and how absurd that is. I was watching a movie. I was hopeless and life was absurd and I felt like I was sitting in a theater and that I was watching a movie and that the movie was absurd but I had already paid $6 dollars for it. I had already paid $6 for this movie and I didn't want to waste my $6 so I was staying to see how the movie ended. That was how I felt. That everything was absurd.

Then the lights turn on and I am in a movie theater. For some reason I don't think this is weird. In fact, I am bored. I am bored and the movie is over and I am alone. Everyone is clapping. They liked it, I guess. I didn't like it. The movie was absurd.

I go outside, smoke a cigarette, start walking, smoke another cigarette, see a night owl and then see it poop.

When I wake up, I watch the silver owl night moon poop hit the ground. It splatters a little bit. The forest animals run away. The owl looks at me. I am looking at the poop. The owl flies away.

And then I go, "That's absurd...right?"
But I'm alone alone. The movie is over. I keep walking home.

There I was, walking home. After a little while I didn't know where I was going and the road had disappeared but I knew I was going somewhere. I had walked on roads like this one many times before and I knew I could walk on this road too. A little later, there was no more moon and there was no more road. Not in front of me, not behind me. It was like a dream. Like I was sleeping. I felt confused because I wasn't sure if I had dreamed this dream the night before or if had dreamt that I had dreamt this the night before.

I kept walking and everything was black and I was the only thing that was white. "I've walked on roads like this before," I thought, "I can walk on this road." So I walked and kept smoking my terrible cigarette. And I walked and thought about everything. And I walked and walked and there was a vicarious of apple and, I walked and walked, and then of tense verbs and ophelia blossom shirt and, I walked and walked, places pyramids over perfection plum tort but, I walked and walked, acrobats slurs with pirate, I walked, and lisp casino soviet desert winter; walked and walked, fucking faggot fuck, $6 + $7 = how many $$$ ? Green doors, green doors. Noam Chomsky eating a baby's heart. Good and evil and everything that is Man. Cigarettes. Fallen! walked and walked! Great Babylon has fallen. Cold, pulse, asphalt, texture, gelid, barb, trench, helmet, moss, tower, roofs, open. Open. Open. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Perfect.

Then I stopped.
And I said "Oh," I said, "I get it. I get it now."



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