THE AMERICAN CONDITION AND THE BODY OF RALPHA 1

The condition of America was finally concluded in the year Future. Sometime in the nearest Future. At a steel convention meant to introduce Americans to the Future. This was the last in a series of desperate campaigns declaring the condition of American prosperity. The campaign was called "The Done Deal". America had run out of money and all the cowboys had been lined up and run through with bayonet. Groups of naked men held meetings in the forest. But the experiment of America was too proud and there was still more future to be made. And the future was RALPHA1.

The purpose of the convention was so that federal officials could beg for the steel men to support their efforts with RALPHA1. It was America's last spasm. "No more secrets, America," they promised, "We really mean it this time. We really want to make it work this time."

RALPHA1 was a bio-hydraulic arm displayed inside a giant glass encasing. RALPHA1 was revealed publicly as a machine of massive death. There would be no question as to who could survive the work of RALPHA1: no one. The thing that RALPHA1 was was a long industrial arm with skin but mounted on rolling tracks. It was a certain thing. It was a flexed bicep behind glass. And so RALPHA1 was born for America. And it was the year of Future -- they were sure of it.

This is how RALPHA1 worked: the bio-hydraulic arm would roll into a country and begin to shakes hands and give everyone high-fives. It would strum an electric guitar and play rock songs. It would stop wars and break the legs of carnivorous men. It would pass out clothes to the poor and give food to the hungry. After some time, however, all the rock songs would begin to sound the same and the clothes would arrive brittle and branded with corporate logos. The food would be modified into smaller and smaller units until it became ultraviolet light and nutrients were projected into their feeble bodies.

The next thing that would happen was this: after some more time RALPHA1 would suddenly withdraw all of its support from the region. No more brittle clothing, no more mutant foods, no more corporate logos. And there would be those who would hail this as the Future and who were willing to seize that burning sun. But they were unable to understand how free the rock songs had made them feel and how weak the ultraviolet food had made their bodies. And RALPHA1 would wait for them to begin fighting each other. Then it would roll back into town and smash everything into dust. The arm would beat on the earth like a drum making a sound calling for war, daring anything to shake its hand or to give it a high-five. The very special feature about RALPHA1 was its ability to moralize. It could decide if a high-five was snarky or if it was well-meaning. But the thing was that the RALPHA1 never decided that something was well-meaning. It was always evil and brown and it was impossible. It was impossible to live in America anymore. Everyone was implicated. And the only idea of national allegience was Byzantine terrorism.

But the steel men slumped down into their chairs, eyes rolled back, licking their lips. RALPHA1 was certain and when a thing is certain in America then it means it is a 'Done Deal'. All America ever wanted was a done deal. Instant liberty. Instant rights. Instant microwavable food. And when Americans have said 'Done Deal' it means 'This is something to help us keep surviving. This is something in which to invest devotion. This is something which creates our identity. We have put our treasure here and we hope that it is where our heart is also."