2009

this years i surived an ice storm and moved to lincoln where i started dating katie and living on a embers floor where i met lillian her daughter. i recorded music and did nothing and then i became broke. i did a medical study and then got a lot of money. after i got money it was june so i left and drove around the country for two months. in those two months i rode roller coasters, sprained my ankle, and swam in many waters. i went to austin, denver, lake arrowhead, chattagnooga, and portland. in portland panther, no panther made its second debut. during the summer my album VEGA was released on Gandhara Recordings. after that i came back to lincoln and got a job at open harvest, a grocery cooperative. i was really bad at the job but then i started being okay at it. i played a few shows with a lot of new music that had been resting inside of rusted barrel on a loading dock somewhere. i spent the month of october very sober and was proud of myself. now i am in ecuador spending the holidays with my family. at the beginning of 2009 i said to myself, this is the year when things will happen for me. i guess they kind of didnt but i have learned to be okay with that. i have things take time to grow and become other things. i have learned that being disciplined or passionate or pondering is not enough to make things happen. it is the consistency of these things and also luck and the order of the universe in which this planet that we all live on exists. i love everyone and feel tenderness toward everything.

GUSTAVO BELTRAN

my grandfather is a man who spends a lot of time looking at the ground and shaking his head. he is a man who writes entire novels on newspapers. every day he studies upstairs in his nook from 4 to 8. at 8 pm he comes down stairs a for a small dinner. he has the dinner and then he goes to sleep. yesterday tried to leave me with a quote by ruben dario, a columbian poet, but he couldnt finish it because he started crying.

Juventud, divino tesoro,¡ya te vas para no volver!
Cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...y a veces lloro sin querer.

DAVE RASK 1982-2009

i found out on the internet tonight that an old friend of mine died this summer from severe burns on over 90% of his body. this is an album that he recorded one summer. i feel like it's something more people should be able listen to.

INTO THE NIGHT WITH CAPES ON (2007)

CASHIER FANTASY

imagined stuffing diamonds into a customer's mouth and watching rainbows burst from their eyes.

DREAM #26

i was a terrible person. when people said things i would take those things and make bad feelings come out. a friend and i decided to steal something. we went into a park near large boulders. we sat in the sun and short grass and thought about how to steal this thing. we met a bus full of hippies that were traveling around the country in this sustainable van that had 3 stories, a hot tub, cable television, and all kinds of gadgets. we went to a house. the house had something in it. we went inside. there were 3 people -- 2 men and 1 woman. we tied them up and started to hit them. i feel good hitting these people. i felt like something concrete and absolute. the house had nuclear radiation in the basement. the door was closed to keep it out. i started asking people questions. they would not cooperate. i scratched a man's face and scalp off. his face looked the way the floor does after you peel up tile. his face had dried and crusted bits of glue. i threw all of his bloody skins on the floor and asked him something again. the next guy tried to fight me so i had to scratch his face off too. i scratched the girl's face off, except i think me and my friend teamed up on her and really 'messed her up'. finally they told us what we needed and we had to go downstairs to where the radiation was. i was going to go down. my friend told me to make sure i put a radiation suit on. i said okay.

DREAM #25

there was a book called the sexwood bible. in the sexwood bible you learned how to make women fall in love with you--not seduce them, make them fall in love with you. this guy dave, who i don't really know very well, started making advances on my girlfriend. i saw the sexwood bible in his bag once. dave turned out to be a very interesting. he knew about coffee and bicycles and all kinds of music. he started coming over for dinner and stuff. katie was very nice to him. he had just been dumped. pretty soon katie and dave were spending a lot of time together. i was just trying to squeeze in. one day katie was talking to dave on gmail chat. i said we had to go somewhere. she kept saying 'just a minute' and i kept getting frustrated. after a half hour i left. i came back an hour later and realized she hadn't realized i had left. i remembered thinking i thought this dream was stupid because i felt angry.

DREAM #24

i was riding on a circus train in a caboose filled with circus workers. there was a woman in that caboose that i had had an affair with, however i never saw her and never felt certain she was actually there. a few days into my trip there was a terrible train accident. a caboose of lions rolled over and there were dead lion parts hanging in trees and bushes. the train stopped and we all got off and walked around not knowing what to do. i ran into my friend danielle and i was very happy to see her. we were both sad about the lions.

i finally reached town and walked down cobblestone streets with a slip of paper that had my cousin's address written on it. i reached a walled off compound and went inside. inside the compound were old havana-style apartments. i looked for the number of his apartment and when i found it i looked in through the window. inside i could see my cousin kneeling in an empty room in front of two body bags zipped up on the floor. i went inside and he told me he was the landlord of the apartment building and that these tenants had died in their home. they were an old couple and had been married for a very long time. no one was alive to take care of their bodies because they had no children. he was trying to find new tenants for the place. he knew no one would want to rent out an apartment with two dead bodies in them. so every day he would set them inside their old bedroom and make them hold hands at night.

i stayed with santiago a few weeks and many things happened. one day the police found the bodies. it had been raining. they were wearing plastic covers over their police hats. they told us it would be more humane to keep the bodies in closets. we said no and they said okay. i left the next day because the train was fixed and i never came back.

TETRAHEDRON TRANSCENDENTALISM