things i have been reading/seeing

i recently re-read bohumil hrabal's 'too loud a solitude'. there is a blurb on the back from the new york times that says it is 'about the indestructibility of knowledge'. i felt afraid sometimes at what the narrator would do. it felt very real. i think it is more about loneliness and alternate reality and communism in the future. personally.

here is an excerpt:

'so i went back to work, hacking away at the blood-soaked boxes, cartons, and wrapping paper, until they started cascading from the ceiling to drum, and once the hole in the ceiling was free, i could hear everything going on in the courtyard, everything being said there, as if through a megaphone. some of my regulars came up to the opening, and i peered up at them from below, and if they looked to me like statues on a church portal, my press looked to them like the catafalque of charles IV, father of our country.'

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today i saw a woman breastfeeding and i thought about the curb your enthusiasm episode where larry hires a hooker on the street so he can use the carpool lane and get to a baseball game on time where he tries to ignore the hooker, to which the hooker threatens, 'i will bust out a titty' and larry asks her please not to bust out a titty and she says that if she doesn't want him to bust out a titty to act like he's not embarrassed of her.

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i feel, when i wake up, in the morning, there is something i am supposed to do today. what i do is lay down and then think 'no, i will not do that thing today. i wil do the opposite of this thing'. i feel like this is very destructive. i feel, when i push, i am being pulled. i feel like i am in the secret level in super mario bros 3 where you jump into the opposite side of the screen if you jump out. i am finding the threads. i feel like inside a frozen block of ice, it is cold and paralyzing and i feel like i am warmly accepting this. when i wake up in the morning it is always late and my phone says i've missed calls from the school asking me to substitute. i always say 'tomorrow'. i always put it off. i have to move somewhere. i have to make motion. i feel very afraid of staying in arkansas for much longer. i think this paralysis is why i have not been posting. i am feeling asphyixated. i feel almost maybe like i know i am falling asleep very slowly and everything feels warm and moist and there is the landscape and there are the fields and there are the animals, but grayscale and i falling inside almost asleep.

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