Friday, September 12, 2008

i'll find you and i'll kill you

song and illustration chad vangaalen from his new album soft rotation


keery is downstairs drunk and sitting on the couch with the lights off. everyone has gone to bed. i have left him a loaf of bread and a red plastic cup of water. he asked me to turn the lights off when i left.


i want to publish things very badly. i want to be able to link to something and say that this link leads you to my work. i want to comfortable with the term 'my work' and i want to be able to use it in sentences casually so people can know that 'my work' is a casual and normal to my existence as a writer.

i am very aware of my chest as a cavity right now. there is a hole in my belly and all the air is rushing out.

there is something in my skin that is crawling, crawling, crawling. i am typing this from a bare mattress in my room while looking as a fetus holding my knees. i would like to be held and to suckle some unknown teat. please, someone please put a teat in my mouth. i would like an unknown teat in my mouth. this would bring me some kind of motherly comfort.

yesterday i was at a wedding and on the back of a paper i wrote a story about marta floating away on a storm in her apartment in mexico city. when she landed she was on the beach in acapulco. i left it in a bin for the married couple. i hate married things. i don't like marriage. i feel afraid when asked about it.

i feel my balance of power is shifting in life. i feel that the power i claimed before and felt was mine and that defined my identity is changing. there is a certain shedding happening and however feverishly i rant on how it is natural to change, i cringe at how i have dealt with shifts in power before. this is something that has been happening over the course of this week.

i should have some real and constructive things to say.

there is no beer in this house.
i have no way of getting drunk now.
i would like to 'get fucked up'
i would like to join kerry downstairs eating bread in the dark.