how we spend our days is how we spend our lives

the power is out in our little apartment and soon it will be dark. i guess we didn't pay the bills or something. now we are looking for all the candles in the house and gathering them at the center of the room.

i laid down on the floor and thought about everything getting dark and not having a choice about the matter and about how some people used to have to go to sleep when the sun went down and that was just the way things happened.

then i thought about my days. i thought about how every morning i wake up around 10 and i think about how i don't have sheets anymore because i ripped them apart in my sleep one night a few weeks ago. now i sleep with no sheets on my bed when i wake up in the morning i am sweaty. every morning i think about my sweat going directly into my mattress and making a home for itself in the fibers. i wake up and stare at a spot in the mattress and then rub it and think about the home that is in there which i cannot see.

then i get up and read or play my flute or check e-mail. i do this with the sun coming through the window. or sometimes it is cloudy. then i stay in bed and stare at the ceiling fan. then either i play racquetball with my dad or i put on clothes and walk to the cafe and get tea. when i drink the tea i imagine the home it will have in my body and all the animals it will meet. i write at the cafe for a while and i watch the old people come in.

then i walk home. when i walk home i sometimes watch my feet walk and think about how funny it is. i look at my shoes and pretend they are people with personalities and quirks. sometimes i take the extra long way home and watch my feet step softly on the planet. it makes me feel like a philosopher or a stone in the forest gathering moss.

then i come home and read some more or record music until 3 o'clock when i work until 10. then i come and drink wine in my room and listen to music and talk with my roommates.

this is pretty much all i do now. i am very comfortable with this. i like doing it. however, i have decided that i cannot continue doing it even though i like doing it. i have to move and since my lease is up at the end of feburary i must now find a new place to live.

first i will live in lincoln, nebraska and participate in a drug study from which i will earn upwards of $1,000. this money will keep me alive and help pay bills. then i will take the train somewhere and then take the train somewhere else and then stay there for a little while and then take the train back and then stay somewhere else.

eventually, i feel, i will end up in portland. this is what my bones are telling me. but i cannot be sure.

if anyone from portland reads this, it would be best to begin our friendship now, over the internet, so as to minimize all sorts of social formalities involved in the meeting and making of new friends.