Sunday, July 27, 2008

the weekend


i woke up on friday at melissa's house and her mom was making sounds outside my room. she left and ky and i woke up and walked around shirtless. when she came back i was reading a book on melissa's bed and ky was looking at madonna videos on youtube. we talked to her about annie the musical and it felt strange to talk to her with my shirt off. the internet punked out and we decided to meet up with melissa for lunch. it took me a very long time because we got lost. there are many turnpikes in oklahoma city. we finally met up with her and had lunch at schlotzsky's deli. melissa said something about caravanning back to siloam. i said okay but later i didn't know why. afterward melissa went back to work and ky and i went to barnes and noble to wait for her so we could leave together. when it was near 5 o'clock ky asked why we were waiting for her and i could not answer him. i didn't know why people caravanned at all. were gypsy attacks common in the area? she showed up and we left an hour or so before her.

we stopped at a travel center to get food and i told ky that i don't like being looked at. inside, i got doritos, doughnut holes, and m&ms. we stood outside eating our food. i held the doritoes like a baby and i was eating from out of its head. i saw most of a cigarette laying on a bench that someone had left while they went inside. i thought about taking it. in the car we were quiet a lot.

we got to siloam around 9 and met up with some friends on a roof of a large house in downtown which overlooks the tiny downtown strip. i got very drunk and climbed up higher on the roof with ky to smoke cigarettes and we looked at the stars and talked about tom sawyer and arkansas. it felt like we were little brothers and we were sharing secrets. when we started to climb down he kept telling me "you get down the same way you got up." i think it was supposed to mean something.

later we went to someone's loft apartment and i fell asleep on melissa and everybody was making shadow puppets on the wall. someone put something on my face and i didn't notice it. then i woke up and we talked until 5 in the morning and watched videos of old talents shows at jbu, the christian college in town.


saturday i woke up because my friend ember called me from nebraska. she is a sweetheart and every time she calls or leaves a voicemail i always feel a jolt of kindness and sweetness for her. later melissa called me and we joined them at the local taqueria and i had a veggie burrito and the lady who works the counter asks me what i want in spanish because she knows that i speak. that is comforting. afterward we went to the cafe and i played a banjo for 20 minutes. then we left and melissa said goodbye because she was moving to denver and i didn't get nostalgic. we came back and i felt sad and lonely. all the "fun" was over. arkansas is a quiet place and "fun" is different.

i used the internet for a few hours and ky slept. then we went to the river and tried to go behind the waterfall so we could have fun again. the water pulled ky's shorts down and his white ass cheeks were coming through the water and we laughed. we saw three high school kids sitting on the dam and i told ky a made up story about the girl and how guys paid her for hand jobs and how these two other guys with her were her only friends and sitting at the dam was their favorite thing to do. we left and went to a gas station called twisters because it had been destroyed by tornadoes three times. inside there was a tornado motif in the decoration. it was 'cute'.

i began to get more and more nervous about everything. i was very sad and tense and when we drove to richard's house i smoked a cigarette even though i don't like smoking in my car or in siloam because my father is a preacher and it would not "look good". we got to richard's house and picked him up and i realized how much i love richard. we are perfect for each other and i was very proud to think that we'd been best friends since birth. i am very proud of this and it is one of my greateset accomplishments. we went to fayetteville and went to a starbucks and ky bought us a french press drink. it was okay. then our friend hope walked in and she was just in fayetteville by herself. we talked for a few hours.

then we went to a house show. it was a band that i had seen before. i hate going to house shows. i felt very self-conscious and unconfident. i felt like i was going to a new school. everyone was smoking and hip. they were all friends and they all came together every weekend to be hip. i hated it so much and i walked around with hunched shoulders and a stupid smile on my face. one guy was high and kept screaming and making karatae noises. he had red eyes and a very large smile. outside he asked me for a cigarette and when i handed him my last one he fell into the bushes. i gave the box for him to throw away. i don't think he did. richard tried to say something to one of the guys from the band and the guy pretended to not understand what richard was saying and be a pretentious asshole. richard has tougher skin than i do but i felt embarrassed for him and in a way, for me. i get angry when people hurt my friends but less so when they hurt me. i didn't ever want to come back to that place again.

we left and went to dickson street and i really felt more nervous than i ever had and i didn't have anymore cigarettes. i checked my balance on an ATM and richard and ky kept walking and i was glad to finally be alone for a while. i found a tiny pub called something crown and they went to see if they could get into some club. i sat and had myself a sunshine and resisted the urge to call anyone. i didn't say anything to anyone and i just drank my beer. later, lynrd skynrd's "simple kind of man" came on and i felt it to be very fitting. later i called my friend katie and explained a voicemail i left her about how ground down my nerves were. i kept walking and found richard and ky. i saw an ex-girlfriend's sister. i think she pretended not to see me. i waved when she turned and felt like an idiot.

we sat on a brick wall and watched people mill around dickson. they were all drunk and funny. they were many fights that almost happened. i was very quiet. a group of girls were wearing tight bright dresses and carrying their shoes in their hands. the bars were closing. their taxi came up and they were having trouble getting into it. the rest of their group was not there. another group of three wanted to opt the cab. the party girls got pissy and told them to fuck off. the group of three kept making belligerent remarks at the pissy girls. they stood on the street and watched the taxi drive off. after 15 minutes of this, they had their thumbs out on the street and no one was stopping and one of them screamed about how there should taxis at bars.

i offered them a ride and i found out there were in town to see moe. which i'd never heard of. they were from norman, oklahoma. they were 'hippies'. i found their hotel and they offered a smoke in their room which i reluctantly accepted. i came up and found their room was depressing. the girl was having a hard time turning the multi-light-switch-mode light on. the tv was on but not making any noise. their suitcases were open and their clothes inside was frumpy. i left and found richard and ky and we got in the car and i laid in the backseat and thought about space and about shapes coming in through circular shapes like snakes coming about holes or eels curling through coral reef holes. sometimes they were wet and sometimes they were slimey. i imagined riding on one.

i fell asleep very calm and i woke up at richard's house. ky drove home and i tried to visualize what the road looked like and give him directions home with my eyes closed and laid down. we ate at taco bell and i got a 1/2 lb. cheesy bean and rice. we got home and ate our burritoes. i had a terrible time taking out my contacts. we talked about God and jesus and i said i liked jesus a lot and i felt we were brothers but i didn't 'believe' in him. ky listened and was quiet. it got later and later and when we went to sleep we didn't say goodnight.


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