sunday afternoon depression on gmail chat

me: helllo sorry
melissa: no problem
me: ok

what did you do this weekend?

melissa: friday was the longest day at work in my life

i could not have been happier to leave

in fact, i left 10 minutes early

me: oh yeah? did you get tired of making itunes playlists?

melissa: then i met my frieds for dinner, natalie's parents took us out for her birthday

haha--yes yes

its back breaking work

me: coooooooooooool

melissa: then we went to her house and played tether ball

and had keylime pie

and went to Maker's

and there was the cutest jazz band playing full of old black men

they were called BLT

and i could have watched the drummer for the rest of my life

me: was his name bojangles?

melissa: ha probably

me: nothing is working on my computer

i want to watch youtube and i can't

melissa: oh dear, the heartbreaker?

me: i want to listen to music on myspace and i can't

i am on my father's computer

i hate it

it is broken

it probably broke from all the porn i've been looking at

i am tired

this house is hot

melissa: haha

me: i am sleepy

i am so tired

i wanted to swim at the river

i wanted to go with my parents

but they kept asking me to go

and i hated that they were asking me to go

so i didn't go and i went and locked myself in my house

i tried to record my floor tom acoustically

it is hard to do that

i tried to read a magazine

it was boring

i tried to play the guitar but it was the same boring thing

i am hot and i wish i would've gone to the river

to swim

melissa: are they still there?

me: idk

melissa: you could sneak up on them

and then jump into the river right when they are all drying off

and splash them and start a water fight

me: i don't want to do that

i am going to post this on my blog
melissa: i just read your email

is your cousin the white guy named washtington?

am i making that up? i fell like richard told me u guys had a white cousing

me: that's jose

he's adopted

melissa: oh yes

me: washington is legit

melissa: jose

he's blood

me: jose is not

melissa: man, ive had some fantastic times at city lake. it made me sentimental to hear about it

me: jose is not blood

jose is adopted

melissa: washington

whoops

me: i was joking

we don't have a white cousin

sorry

it was a jole

melissa: i am tired of looking at people's wedding pictures

oh man. you're name isnt really israel is it?

me: no it's wagner

first name

melissa: ...

you

you are sassy today

me: i know, right?

i am sad

or something

i have felt this way all day

i woke up feeling sad

because i woke up at 11:30
***
me: yes

i saw animal collective live last night

i felt like a loser

melissa: oh no way!

where at?

me: it was from the pitchfork webcast

not for "real"

melissa: ahhh

Sent at 4:34 PM on Sunday

melissa: have u seen them live in person?

me: yes

in omaha

melissa: was is an experience?

me: yes

i cried

not really

melissa: ah, thats great. those are the best shows

me: isn't that funny how crying validates experiences?

melissa: hmm yes

me: it's supposed to "mean" something

***

me: can i tell you a secret?

the other day i cried when i watched a monty python movie

melissa: yes

ha--really!

why?

me: it is the beginning of monty python's the meaning of life

these old men are working hard and these young supervisors are cracking whips over their heads and it's supposed to be like they're slaves rowing a ship

and then they rebel and fight everyone and they are funny and i laughed and cried at the same time.
i wanted to be free
melissa: hey hold on!!!
me: no, i am going to go watch this now.
goodbye

The Crimson Permanent Assurance (Part 1)


The Crimson Permanent Assurance (Part 2)


UPDATE: Watching The Meaning of Life honestly made me feel better. About life and about other people and my relation to them. Before, I felt like I standing at a huge hole in the grass in my backyard and i was just standing there looking inside and scratching my head and thinking about how clean my pants were. now my pants are dirty and the hole does not appear to be so deep.