dream: #1

last night i dreamt i was a preacher and i was sitting inside my car and it was raining outside and it was night and i was about to go inside a church and preach. i was very nervous because I didn't know how I was going to preach. i knew what it was going to be but i didn't know how i was going to do it.

i walked in and the church was dark. i walked though a hallway and there was light under some doors. some doors were open. i kept walking. inside of the doors were packed rooms, sitting and listening to a speaker. the rooms were so packed there were people standing. there was another room and a hundred people were watching a giant screen projection. there was a lecturer with a pointing stick and he was talking. i kept walking down the hallway and every time i saw people i knew they would all look at and feel worried.

i went into the sanctuary and everyone was sitting and listening to someone else talk. i sat in the back and pretended to listen. i was still nervous about what i was going to preach. when the time came i stood up and everyone followed me. everyone got up and followed me to another room. inside this room there were hanging ceilings and only one light was working and it was over my head. the rest of the lights were flickering.

when everyone was settled i began talking but then my voice became the narrator and i was inside of dream. i was in a cramped duplex and the blinds over the window were pulled and glowing blue because of the sun outside. there was a television and a woman was sitting on a recliner watching it. she was curled up like a fetus biting her fingernails and spitting them out. the television was showing a television judge show. i knew that she was my wife.

later, my wife was doing cocaine on a wooden cutting board and i was waiting for her to finish. i said something nice to her and she laughed with her head leaned back and touching her nose with an upturned pinky. i leaned over and did cocaine off of the wooden cutting board.

i found my wife at the casino. i walked in and knew that she was there. i started looking for her. i was drunk. i looked up and everything was like wal-mart. i kept ordering whiskey shots. it was not the casino that i knew. it was a different casino and it was beautiful. it had fountains and green plants. the staff were dressed in white shirts red with red vests. i think maybe my wife worked there. i was very upset. i was very upset but i was trying not to show it. i don't know what my wife was doing at the casino.

i walked to the back of the casino and there was shelf and my wife was on it and behind some kind of glass encasement. we began talking and she was telling me things that i did not want to hear. i kept drink more and more whiskey. i started yelling and my wife looked embarrassed. security guards came over and asked if everything was alright. we said that everything was and they left. later i started screaming and i threw my whiskey glass on the floor and all the gamblers around me were scared. i was crying and screaming and swearing. i began kicking wildly at this glass encasement and at boxes and all the glass shattered and cut my arms and my face but i could not feel it. i did not want to hurt my wife, i just wanted to scare her. i destroyed everything around her, but not her.

and i was telling this to the people sitting in chairs listening to me. i told them that i did not make good choices and in the front row i could see my sister crying. then i said how the security guards came again and grabbed me. i didn't resist because i knew i had been bad. i kept crying and screaming and feeling sorry for myself. i kept yelling for my wife and she was behind and they were taking her out too. i hoped she wasn't hurt. i knew that i deserved what was happening. i kept thinking: sorry, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have done that. i shouldn't have drank so much. i drank too much just then. i did not make good choices. I'm sorry.

then my dad woke me up to help him get the lawnmower out of a hole.