i will be largely unhappy

inside of my new apartment i feel mostly unailve. it is true: i move around, i pick things up, i touch things and then think about touching them. these things make noises. i have only been here two nights and already i have taken to laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling fan spinning. i try to write things and i try to capture my lethargy. but i am not moved to do so.

i recently read connor o'brien's last post and i thought it was amazing. and i thought 'yes okay, i will write something right now. i will something very true and funny and it will not hurt when it comes out'. and i tried and i thought what i was writing was stupid and i didn't want to finish it and it hurt, everything hurt. i laid down again and stared at the ceiling fan.

earlier this afternoon i drove to my parents and found it empty. i thought i would mow the lawn to give me something to do. when i looked it was already mowed. i felt lost and purposeless. i went back inside and i turned on the television and tried not to feel sad. one channel was frozen on a still image of martin luther king, jr. speaking. i tried for as long as i could to stare at this picture of this good man and feel something good. i tried very much but i was soon bored. he was not moving. he was not speaking. he was dead. i was dead. i was very alone in the house by myself. i changed the channel and watched a movie with a young nick nolte.

i drank a generic bottle of Ensure ("Equate") and imagined that i had eaten an entire dinner. i went back to my house where i just moved 0ut of and found paper and things on the floor. very odd things. i thought about how there will always be odd things laying around a house that someone has just moved out of: bottle caps, taco bell paper, cell phone chargers, nails, markers, loose change. i peeled the bathroom drip mat off the ground and a cockroach skittled away. i sat down and started playing my guitar. i did it energetically like it was serious. i looked at my finger and noticed the battery acid burn i have on my finger. it has a funny scab now.

i went back to the house and tried to check my e-mail. the internet was down. i have to work. i said, i will get things done and then i will go to work. i will organize everything. i cannot function when things are not organized. if my house is unorganized i cannot read or play music or talk on the phone. i must clean first.

i cannot clean anything because it is hot. if i start to clean i will get hot. then i wil be uncomfortable cleaning. then i will not be able to finish cleaning. then i will not be able to get anything real done. then when i go to work, i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.
i will be largely unhappy.