This is not a metaphor.

There is a heaviness inside of my bones right now and this is not a metaphor. My jaw is heavy and I am sitting with a slouch. There is something big inside of my skull and it is working with the earth's gravity to put me into the ground. This heaviness is a magnet for earth. My head is filled with bricks and the dust is pouring from my ears. There is something heavy inside of me. I am trying to find it, to show you what it is.

I am closing my eyes now. Let's see...

I see a giant white radish and it is growing from my head. The radish is too big to pick and everyone is scared to pick it, even me. We don't seem to think that it is pick-able and even if it were pick-able, who would eat it? I wouldn't. That's gross. That's been in somebody's head, I would say. I see a waiter serving a giant radish on a silver tablet to a snooty couple and they are making a face like, Gross dude, that was in somebody's head. The waiter looks embarrassed like he hadn't noticed. He will certainly have a tiff with the chef.

I am now returning: There is something alien in my brain right now and the next time I am having dinner with my space colleagues, this thing will burst from my head like that alien that came out of the guy's stomach in the first part of Alien. Sigorney Weaver and I will then make intergalactic love. She will say something like, "It's soooo big...Is that--is that a radish?"

I am feeling better now. I don't feel so heavy. I am glad for that. For a little while I felt that maybe this is what zombies feel like when they first start becoming zombies. I'm sure this was not their first choice of career. I am sure their mothers are all disappointed. I am sure they wish they could have intervened.