Saturday, July 5, 2008

i want to be connected in a inner circle of cynics all with nicknames eponymous to a chief attribute like the 7 dwarves and the spice girls and i would be "kind-ish cynic" among names like "asshole cynic", "abusive cynic" and "alcoholic cynic"

i would like to be able to give a car to a full grown caveman and give him a destination just to see if he can figure out the rules of traffic and the operatives of a car. in my mind i imagine it as something similar to that short story "The Most Dangerous Game" where this guy falls off his boat and reaches a deserted island where a jaded hunter hunts him for three days. Except I wouldn't kill the caveman if he didn't make it. He would probably be killed in some horrific accident and therein would lie the most thrill, seeing just how mangled and severed this man's body would turn out.

i have been reading a lot of blogs today from artists who "get it". my whole life i've wondered: will i get it? i used to think there was a special school set aside for children in which they could learn how to be cool. It was called "Cool School" and my best friend Sammy went there, I was sure of it. he knew about basketball and about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He was in the know. My whole life I've struggled to be in this "know". It's made me say things about existential despair and about how much i hate/love life. at the moment, however, i am ambivalent as to the end of the world. i would be just if we all melted into fleshy stumps and collected tissue pools. this would be okay with me. i am at a computer. i will be safe.

anyway, all of these bloggers are able to take their despair and loneliness and make money from it and there are people that I know here in arkansas who can't do that and don't know anything better. i am one of these people and when i sit down to write, stupid things come out that sound like ernest hemingway going through puberty and squirting in his pants from seeing a girl bend over wearing a snowsuit. it's just awkward and silly and it doens't make sense and not even "not make sense" like oh, this is so disturbed and true. but disturbed like "did he just say 'low brow sophisticated mind may seem bicycle shorts blouse' and expect that to be a sentence? is he retarded?"and the thing is no, i'm not retarded. but the truth of the matter is, i sometimes have too look up words on urban dictionary after a conversation with my friends because i don't know what the fuck they just said. i sometimes have to google images of sexual positions when my friends talk about sex. and sometimes when i watch TV, i have to ask richard who these people are that are telling me their names and trying to sell me something because i would like to buy this thing, i really would, i like to be one of the people that this thing is being sold to and i would like for it to work on me, for it to convince me that i need this. then i would be like everyone and i they would accept me at "cool school", maybe i would "get it" then.


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