dead animal parts in envelopes

i have not been eating very well lately.
i have set up a web site for people to donate money so that i can eat.
please consider donating to www.meals4israel.com

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a blog called 'i don't like pandas' wrote about me.

it is in a language which i do not understand. i think it is in the language that they speak in the netherlands. i think this because i mailed a cd to rotterdam. rotterdam is in the netherlands. if someone understands this language please let me know what it says.

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i will be featured on a song with rio en medio for the save darfur/world food program compilation released in march by borne recordings/acuarela. i spent last week recording and i think it is a very pretty song. sometimes i listen to it to relax.

the lineup includes: marissa nadler, devendra banhart, mi and lau, fern knight, rio en medio, larkin grimm, arborea, alela diane, mica jones, big blood, micah blue smaldone, cursillistas, magic leaves, the plains, starless and bible black, david garland, ora cogan, eric carbonara, and jozef van wissem and maybe citay.

i don't know many of these people.

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in june when i came back to arkansas i decided to write every day for 2 hours. i had no real purpose to do this but just to write. i was living behind my parent's house in a garage that had been (poorly) converted into a house and writing on my typewriter because my laptop was hit by lightning. i did not have a job and i did not have prospects. every morning i woke up at noon and then wrote. i watched television until conan and then went to sleep. or i would bike to the casino and drink free soda with richard. at the casino there were many amputees, chain smokers, and people with scabs on their faces.

needless to say i was not very happy. what i wrote was not very happy and reading over it a few months ago i realized that i did not make me happy to read mostly on account of it being very bad. by this i mean, not good at all. there were many false starts, some more enthusiastic than others. there were many cheap tricks employed and just plain rip 0ffs. i don't understand how anyone can write when they are anything but happy. i think david lynch said something like that.

reading over what i had written i decided a complete re-write was in order. this re-write i think was motivated by some form of direction in my life after getting a job and making friends. i felt less alone and like people in my direct sphere of influence would miss me if i died. i think this important. i felt like putting effort into writing because life seemed positive. i felt crippled before and could not write anything. i began by adapting the things i had written. but writing with this new thing happening underneath everything the stories have evolved and warped into these surreal frames of consciousness. i feel overwhelmed with the stories that are happening everywhere now. everything is a story. i don't know. i will start posting drafts of these stories.

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soon i will start working on something important. the object stopping me from working on this important thing is the thought of, while beginning work on this new thing, the time i spent not working on this thing already. like i wasted time. like i am not getting enough air into this animal here. then everything will be moist and wet like damp soil. i will then put down the things that i used in order to start this work and then not do any work at all. i feel this a great problem. i feel i must take active steps to fix this problem.

i was trying to tell the therapist this today. everything i said she would repeat but in different words. i felt i was in front of a machine that repeated things to me and not a human being. i began to smile because it was funny. she would not look me in the eye.

my challenge for today will be to figure out a solution to this problem. this problem of 'doing vs. being'.

fuck, okay.
i don't know.

i will go into the woods and pray.